


I love you but I hate my decisions.

by share_the_world



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, King Merlin - Freeform, Kissing, M/M, Magic, Merthur - Freeform, Worried Arthur, a lot of confusion, confused arthur, it was fun at first, then it killed me, universe swap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24506428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/share_the_world/pseuds/share_the_world
Summary: Merlin loves his life. He has everything he could ever want. Him and his husband, Arthur rule over Albion together where magic is free and everyone is equal.Then one day he wakes up and he's just a servant again, and Arthur is married to Gwen.Destiny is a strange thing.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), though it is merthur
Comments: 17
Kudos: 134





	1. you loved me this morning.

**Author's Note:**

> lol writing this literally gave me anxiety, but it was also really funny, i think I might do another one or two parts. Sorry I spelt Gaius wrong, only realised at the end. hope you enjoy.

Merlin

My vision started getting blurry around the edges, my legs felt instantly wobbly so I grabbed on to the edge of our desk. My husband noticed me and lept to my side.  
“Merlin!” he cried, “Merlin!”  
I felt a sudden rush of coldness as he carried me onto our bed.  
“I’ve got you, love, I’ve got you.”

~oOo~

Arthur

“Merlin, get off my bed.”  
I sighed and nudged him. He was cold. Why was he so cold?! I nudged him again, he looked so tiny, sinking into the sea of red blankets. He didn’t move. I felt my blood pressure rising. Something was wrong. Was he even breathing?!  
“Merlin, wake up, you're worrying me.”  
I shook him.  
“Merlin, i’m getting Gius.”

His eyelids fluttered open and I sighed in relief.  
“Are you okay?” I asked, touching his forehead, he was still so cold.  
He smiled, and laughed a little.  
“I’m fine, sweetheart, you worry too much about me.” He pulled himself up and clung to my shoulder for support.  
What?! Is this some kind of joke?!  
“What did you just call me?”  
Maybe I'm hearing things…  
He smiled.  
“I called you sweetheart, sweetheart. Okay? Why? Would you rather I called you something else?”  
“Umm… sire would be fine!”  
He laughed. Why was he laughing? Why was he walking over to my wardrobe?

He opened the door and started looking through my things, is this what he does when I'm not around? I should really knock some sense into him.  
“You’ve already washed those.” I comment as he throws some of my stuff on the floor.  
He ignores me.  
“Hey, can I wear this?” he asks, holding up one of my shirts, “you know, since it works well with my court sorcerer robes…”  
“What the hell are you going on about?! That’s mine!” I demand picking up the clothes he just dumped on the floor.  
“Aww… come on,” he taps my nose affectionately, “just last week you said it looked way better on me.”  
“Did not!” okay something is seriously wrong here.

He takes off his shirt and I just stare at him for a moment, and then he puts mine on.  
“Take that off.” I meant so he could put his shirt back on, but i don’t think he got that same idea.  
“Oh.” he smirked, “okay.”  
I look away, at this point I don't know whether he’s messing with me, or not. I turn back around and stop him before he can do anything.  
“Fine keep it.”  
He flashes me an adorable grin and I have to look away again.

“You sure you’re okay?” I ask again, and he laughs it off. Again with that laugh, and since when did he start looking at me like that.  
“I thought I told you to stop worrying.”  
“Okay…” I manage, “you can polish my armour, do my laundry-”  
“Look, i find it awfully sweet that you’re trying to roleplay our old lives but-”  
“Merlin if you do one more strange thing I am taking you straight to Gius.” I cut him off, concern bubbling up in my chest.  
“I don’t know what you’re on about!” He cries, “I’m acting completely normal!”  
“Then polish my armour!!” I yell back, he looks frustrated, but then he grabs my face and kisses me, his lips are still cold, and i’m too confused and angry to move, when he finally pulls away I gasp. I never knew Merlin could kiss. Let alone kiss like that.

“There!” he yells, looking directly at me, he’s not even ashamed, “you happy now?!”  
“NO!” I shout, and he shrinks backwards, like he’s scared of me. I instantly feel bad. I’m scared. What if he got enchanted?!  
“Merlin?” I ask carefully.  
He looks up.  
“Yeah?”  
“Umm.. sorry?” I try, reaching for his hand, he smiles and takes it.  
“You should be clotpole, it’s a good thing I love you.”  
“So umm,” I take in a deep breath, “who am I married to?”  
He looks at me, like I'm going crazy.  
“Me, dollophead.”  
That’s it, I'm taking him to Gius. 

It takes an awful lot of effort to drag Merlin out my chambers, so in the end I manage to get him there by carrying him on my back. He’s not very heavy, and he seemed to find it funny, but the looks I was getting from puzzled people I was walking past made me want to drop him in the middle of the corridore. I’m pretty sure Leon saw, and I’m pretty sure he got the wrong idea.  
“Oh, we’re going to visit Gius?” he said cheerfully when we finally arrived. Why’s he always cheerful? Then i guess he thinks he’s married to me… and let's face it, who wouldn’t want to be married to me?

“Arthur, Merlin, is something wrong?” the physician asks when he sees us.  
“No, we just came to visit!” Merlin giggles.  
Gius looks confused so I grab his arm and pull him away from Merlin.  
“I think he hit his head on something.” I whisper.  
“It doesn’t look bruised.” He comments, peering over at my manservant.  
“I know but he keeps saying weird things.”  
Gius raises an eyebrow.  
“Like…?”  
“Like we’re uh… Married.”  
He laughs.  
“You sure it’s not a joke.”  
“He was so… cold.”  
“Okay, I’ll take care of him from now.” He pats my arm and I nod and leave.

Merlin.

Arthur was acting strange. I’m worried about him, I thought we were having fun and then he went and left me with Gius. Maybe he thinks we need some time together, I guess I haven’t seen him much since I moved in with Arthur, I guess I didn’t see him much before that either, since we were always sneaking out to meet somewhere, under the stars sometimes, I liked those times.  
“Hey.” I say when he comes up to me again, “I’ve missed you.”  
“As nice as that is, you did see me this morning, Merlin.” he says, putting his hand on my forehead. “Arthur’s right, you are cold.”  
“No… I was with Arthur this morning, look Gius, you're getting old, your memories not that great anymore.”  
He looks serious, so I bite my lip, it was a joke, I hope I didn’t offend him.

“Merlin, what did you do yesterday?” He asks.  
Yay! Small talk, i think I can handle that.  
“You know, just the normal, I still can’t get over the fact Arthur made me the court sorcerer, isn’t that just the sweetest thing?”  
Gius looks around worriedly.  
“That never happened, Merlin.”  
Something is wrong with his memory, have I been away this long not to notice?  
“Oh Gius, you should’ve told me you were ill!”  
“I’m not ill merlin, there's still a ban on magic, and you’re not married to Arthur.”  
What?! I put my hand on my forehead.  
“Have I gone back in time or something?” I ask.  
“No Merlin, you just knocked your head on something, Arthur is married, to guinevere.”  
I’m suddenly crying and I can’t stop.  
“He promised to love me!” I sobb, hugging Gius, he was always like a father to me, so he puts his arm around me.  
“It was all a dream merlin, just go back to work and your memories should come back to you.”

When I head back to Arthurs chambers he’s looking at me with uncertainty.  
“Sorry, about what happened earlier.” I manage, trying not to look like I had just been sobbing my heart out. All my memories are wrong. And it hurts, he was there beside me this morning, holding me and telling me he loved me, but none of it was really, it was all a dream.  
“It’s okay, just police the weapons, okay?”  
I nod and sit down on the floor near the fireplace. Yesterday was all too real.  
“I lost my memory,” I say, “well most of it, I do have some, but most I think I made up, can you tell me what’s been happening recently?”

I picked up the sword and moved the cloth over it, he taught me how to fight in the forest that time, his hands around my waist, me laughing.  
“Recently?”  
I shrug.  
“I don’t know, like, the past year or something?”  
“Oh.” He said, he’s watching me, not looking at me with admiration, or love. Just watching. “When was your last memory before you woke up? I’ll go from there.”  
I laugh and try not to cry, I try and think of something that could’ve been real. Arthur proposed to me in secret, under that little tree we used to run away too, it was one of the happiest moments of my life, I guess that could’ve been Gwen, instead of me.

“When you and Gwen got engaged.” I say, looking down at my blurry reflection in the metal.  
“The first time or the second time?”  
Now I’m confused.  
“Why would you get engaged twice?” He looks at the floor.  
“Did she… say no?” I say in a small voice.  
“No she said yes, just on the day before our wedding lance came back, remember?”  
“I thought he died closing the veil.” I said, shaking my head.  
“No, he came back… and well, I caught them kissing.”  
My eyes widened.  
“That must have been terrible.” I imagine my dream Arthur doing that to me and I nearly start crying again.  
“We’re cool now.” He reassured me, “it was a mistake, and it’s not going to happen again.”  
I look around.  
“So where is she now?” I’m eager to see queen gwen, her silly laugh and a crown that doesn’t sit perfectly on her head. I can imagine her dress covered in flowers.  
“I don’t know.”  
“She’s your wife, aren't you meant to like, stick together?”  
He looks confused.  
“We’re not really that type of couple.”  
“Oh.”

I swing the sword around, the way he taught me too, he let me win sometimes, because he was a good husband like that…

“Merlin put the sword down you look like…” he trailed off and stared at me.  
“A what?” I laugh, “A majestic warrior or an adorable killing machine?”  
He keeps staring, then I realise we’re not married anymore, “sorry, it’s my head again…”  
“Who taught you how to fight?” he asked, pointing at the sword in my hands.  
“You, clotpole.”  
He shakes his head.  
“I never did that.”  
I let the sword drop by my side.  
“Oh, then I guess I must’ve picked it up from watching you.”  
“Yeah.” I say, though I’m doubtful.

Arthur.

“It’s weird because I have all these fake memories, it’s not even like half of them are real half of them aren't, they're just all lies.” he whispers, putting the sword down and picking up an axe.

“Do you remember the first time we met?” I ask and he smiles, I expect him to say something soppy like on a balcony with flowers but instead he says:

“In the middle of the town, you were a proper prat so we got into a fight.”

“That ones true.” I sigh at the memory, I nearly killed the foolish young boy who thought he could take down a prince.

“Really?!” he smiles wider, “did I drink the poison for you, or was that just my imagination?”

“You did,” I shake my head, “it was pretty stupid.”

“Was the unicorn man real?” he asks, and for a second I think he’s getting his memory back, then he asks me something I know never happened.

“So did you kiss me in the woods that night or is that just something my muddled brain made up?” 

“No.” I say too quickly. The woods, I remember Merlin that day, we were exhausted running away from everyone and everything, I remember him slouched sleepily by the fire he made, the weather was cold and his nose was going red and I remember thinking suddenly that I wanted to kiss him. I never did, obviously, I shut it down, I don’t why… I just didn’t know what he would think. 

But now when I look up at the Merlin in front of me I wonder something… ridiculous… what if this merlin isn’t my Merlin, what if he belongs to another Arthur, one who had the courage to kiss him, that cold night in the woods.

“Oh.” He said looking down at his boots, he looked sad, liking he was hoping it was real.

“What did you feel?” I ask “when the Arthur in your dreams kissed you then?”

“Well I didn’t know it then, but I guess at that moment in my dream I…” he looked up into my eyes, “that I guess I knew I loved him.”

“And did he love you in your dream?” I asked, feeling suddenly nervous.

“Yeah,” My clumsy manservant replied, with a sad smile, “he told me he would love me forever, and I did too.”

~oOo~

Merlin.

What hurts the most is that it’s not real. All the things I loved were all pretend, and even though I woke up with hardly any memory, everything I’ve known faded in a cruel illusion and still. I’m drawn to the prat who probably thinks I'm an idiot. I never promised to love him. That was just another part of my dream, but yet I do. I have a strange feeling that I can’t control, it’s burning in my chest. He used to be mine… no, that’s another fantasy…

“You got married, when?” He asks and the memory hits me in the face. Hard. the lies cut deep into my pale skin.

“I’m meant to be asking you the questions.” I dodge the question, “and why would you care?”

He shrugs like it’s nothing. 

“Just wondered.”

“In secret by the tree we used to meet up by when we snuck out our chambers- wait we never used to do that, my mind is playing up on me.” what was meant to be the best day of my life, just my wicked mind.

“You didn’t wait until I was king?”

“No.” I nearly laugh, “I- you said you couldn’t wait until then, gius made a makeshift minister, all the knights were there, morgana and gwen were bridesmaids, we did it at midnight, I made the flowers grow all around us and we were forged with-” forged with magic. I shut my mouth, he doesn’t know that yet.

“Forged with what?”

“It doesn’t matter.” I reply looking down, “it was never real.”

“So, that means it doesn’t matter anymore.” My throat burns up, I don't matter to you. Only she does.

“It’s personal.” 

“Okay.” he said and didn’t ask anything else.

“Where did you get married?” I ask quietly.

“Oh.” He smiles, I used to make him smile like that. “In the throne room, there were lots of people there.”

I nod.

“Sounds great.” I smile because he’s smiling, if he’s happy I am. And if she makes him happy, I can tolerate that.

“Merlin?” he says breaking the silence we fell into.

“Yeah?”

“Where do I go to think?”

Odd question…

“That rock by the waterfall.” It’s where you taught me how to dance, and we both fell into the river.

“Where do I go every year on the 16th of october?”

“To your mother's grave, that’s her birthday.” and I come along with you, i’d never leave your side.

“What have I always dreamed of?”

“The runaway some place where no one knows us, a farm maybe, just you and me- wait you a gwen… i think, you have lots of dreams, it’s hard to catch up with all of them.”

“Merlin, i’ve never told you any of those things, I only go to my thinking place alone, I never take anyone with me to my mother's grave and I’ve only ever told Gwen about us running away.”

I stare at him.

It must be magic, I must be able to see things in my sleep like Morgana does.

“Merlin, this may sound crazy but…”

No. he can’t know, i’ll get executed…

“I think you’re from a different… universe.”

“What?!” I splutter.

“I mean… we come from the same camelote, just in your world I had the courage to kiss you that night in the woods.”


	2. You see i've forgotten if, they're green or they're blue…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one kind of hurt to write, Merlin meets Queen Gwen, Arthur runs away. The other Arthur helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, love you! it was only right to name this chapter after a line from 'your song' because it helped me write this.  
> I also love the line about making potions for a traveling show.

Arthur.

Merlin is staring at me. Or like the other merlin… I don’t really know anymore. He looks surprised, I don't really know what to feel.

“What?! That doesn’t make sense…”

“The last two years of your life don’t make any sense to you Merlin, and that day in the woods was two years ago!” I snap, but then I realise he’s right. None of this makes any sense.

“But… My Arthur said that he knew we would be destined to end up together from the day we met.”

Right… yeah, I guess I did kind of have a crush on him at the beginning.

“Look, sorry to break it to you Merlin, but pretty much everyone says soppy things like that to their partner at some point in their lives.” I try not to sound too harsh. But he genuinely looks like I've stabbed him. Which makes me wonder how much I meant to him, did I mean anything to my Merlin?

“You… lied??” he whimpers, hugging his knees into his chest, making me feel bad.

“I never lied, he did.” yeah just blame the Arthur from the other universe to stop yourself looking like a lovesick fool.

“I still want to go back.” he huffed. “Because my Arthur does love me, I don’t care if you love Gwen. He loves me.”

I nearly laugh at how certain he sounds. What am I like in the other universe? Do I bring him flowers and tell him he’s beautiful every few seconds. 

“He probably doesn’t miss you, he’s probably all over the other Merlin.” It’s a joke but it comes out sounding cruel and spikey. Then I imagine my merlin trapped in another world.

My Merlin. Shit. he’ll know I liked him. 

The Merlin sitting on the floor of my chambers starts crying suddenly and I’m caught up in a whirlwind of actually not having a clue of what to do at this very moment.

“That was a joke. He probably does love you, like umm… a lot?”

He looks like a sad puppy, I kind of want to go and comfort him, but I don’t know how he would react.

“I probably look like an idiot right now.” He murmurs to the carpet.

“You were already an idiot, merlin.” I attempt to cheer him up and he smiles a little.

“Prat.” He mutters. I guess it makes me feel better too, to see him smile up at me like i’m the only thing that matters and the only thing that has ever mattered. It makes me feel special. I hope the other me treats him better than I do, he deserves it.

~oOo~

Meanwhile in another universe…

Merlin.

I think I passed out.

When I woke up he was holding me and I scrambled to my feet. I feel dizzy like, and like my head has been slammed against a wall multiple times. Am I hungover? I don’t think I drank anything.

“Are you okay, love? Be careful, your legs are still a little shaky, do you want to lie down?” Arthur says, he reaches out to steady me, but I shake his hand off, I don’t know what I should be feeling right now, I'm still waiting for my brain to catch up with the rest of me.

Okay this was weird. Is he trying to mess with me? Has he figured out I like him?!

“No… i’m err fine, thanks.” I manage gripping to the bed frame for support.

“Good, you scared me then, I thought I was going to lose you.” Merlin looked up into his eyes, he looked scared, his eyes were red around the edges. Had he been… had he been crying? I don’t think he’s joking anymore, though I guess it is a mess, maybe he does like me a little… what if he’s cared all this time?

“Do you want me to do anything else for you, sire?” I ask. He takes my hand, my heart beats a little faster. I stare at our fingers. Mine tingle slightly.

“Yes,” He said a little sheepishly. “I think I need you to kiss me.”

“Really?” Is it too soon to smile? Am I dreaming? This would make a good dream... 

He nods.

“Seriously, beloved.” 

I smile and press our lips together. It’s like everything i’ve ever imagined, and I forget about how strange this situation is. I can’t ignore how right this feels as he slips his hands around my waist.

~oOo~

Camelot in the other universe.

Merlin.

I miss him holding me, him loving me, I feel bad for the other me, who never got to know what it feels like. Maybe he will with the other Arthur, I wonder if that Arthur, my Arthur, has worked it out yet. Is he scared? Does he miss me? Does he even care? I love him so much… both of them, because in a way they’re both the same person.

I’m sticking beside him because this world feels so forieghn, also because it’s a natural instinct. I wonder if the other Merlin loves someone else. That isn’t Arthur. It doesn’t look like it. Then I see Gwen, in a velvet red dress like the one Morgana wears. It’s funny, I haven’t seen Morgana yet, we both had a party when the magic ban was released, she lit up the sky with her powers, it was all so beautiful.

“Gwen!” I gasp, “you look… great!”

She smiles fondly at me.

“Thank you, Merlin. As do you.”

I’m wearing my servant clothes, nothing special, but I take the compliment anyway.

“Guinevere.” He doesn’t hold her hand which I find odd, but also a relief, I don’t think I can handle that today.

“Merlin, do you mind-” Arthur starts.

“Oh sure, I get it, you want some time together, i’ll leave.” I do understand, being interrupted is really awkward. Especially when it’s Leon, because he started that annoying poetry joke.

“Actually I want you to ready the horses, we’re uh, going on a picnic.” Arthur explains.

“Oh,” I smile, typical romantic Arthur. Except it’s not me this time, which still hurts, but I guess I can deal with it, I just want this to be over. “Yeah I can do that.”

I take two horses from the stable, I take out my favourite one, Emily, I think she’s the other Merlin’s favourite too, because she seems to like me, and I also take Mace, the one Arthur takes when we normally go out, though he always handles it himself normally, it’s quite romantic actually. 

I grab the picnic blanket and baskets, put some candles in there too. I know all Arthur's favourite foods, I've done this before- taken him on surprise picnics, we have these special places we go too, and I can use my magic to make the flowers grow in a circle all around us.

When they arrive Arthur is confused on why there are only two horses. I’m confused on why we need more than two horses.

“You need one for yourself!” 

“Why would I be coming? I thought it was a romantic picnic!”

“It is!” He cries, like i’m stupid and that it’s all so obvious. “But I need you to carry the stuff!”

“You can’t do that yourself?!” I’m surprised. Arthur always did that. Maybe this ones just a prat that doesn’t have the decency to do it himself. What is he going to make me do next?! Pick her flowers!?

“I’m the king! And you're the servant! I’m sorry if you’ve forgotten that!”

Gwen touches his shoulder. “Don’t go too hard on him, Arthur, please.”

My vision is blurry again, but this time from my tears. I turn around and go get another horse before either of them can notice. I get Sally, a white one.

~oOo~

Arthur.

Merlin tags along behind us. He’s not talking nonsense like the other Merlin, probably because I hurt him, I didn’t mean too, this whole situation is stressing me out, I think the past is coming back to bite me, he looked so happy when he first woke up. I want to see him like that again.

Gwen is probably annoyed at me too, she doesn’t like me hurting him, she’s barely met that side of me, I don’t think she’d like me the same way if she knew all the things I hide from her. My merlin knows all the different sides of me, and that Merlin, he knows another me, a better me probably, by the look on his face earlier.

We stop by the cliff. The scenery is perfect. All the flowers have died by now though, I miss their sweet colour.

Merlin stalks off and sits against a tree, this is normally the point where I focus on wooing Gwen, but he’s the only thing I can think of, I’m thinking about the way he kissed me, when his lips were cold and when his hands were shaking and he was wobbly because he had just woken up from whatever-that-was. 

I wonder what would happen if I had a chance to try out the other world, would it feel the same with just another person? Would I like it more? His hands on my skin instead of hers. His blue eyes staring at me in the morning, brimming with love and excitement for a new day as he yells rise and shine and draggs us both out of bed so we fall onto the floor in a tangled heap. Or me gently shaking her awake, her gentle voice, her delicate curls of hair. 

I look across at Gwen now, I made her mine. I made her royal, I made her my queen. What if i’d made Merlin king, would he go serious and proper? The Merlin by the tree isn’t even watching. Maybe it hurts him too much. Maybe he doesn’t care. 

I imagine my Merlin wearing a crown and having to keep my heart from leaping out of my chest, he looks beautiful, so handsome. Like he could be mine.

I see Gwen smiling across from me. I imagine Merlin sitting there, he’s wearing my clothes, his crown is lopsided on his head. I love him. I run my hand over his cheek, and I kiss her with more passion than I ever thought I had before.

What’s disappointing is that it’s not his lips that kiss me back.

Merlin.

I don’t feel well all of a sudden, he’s kissing her like he kissed me and it makes my chest hurt because it looks like he means it all. Like he loves her with an anger that could bring down kingdoms.

I bet he’s glad he chose her, I bet he thinks nothing of me, I bet he thinks of the other version of him that he could’ve done with pity. 

My memories sting in my throat. He told me he could never love anyone else in the same way, and yet looking at them now he looks complete. She completes him. There’s no merlin in his heart, when I go back i wonder if it’ll ever be the same.

I find myself crying, and I can’t stop it. I can't stop myself from running either, I'd never thought I would run from him, but here we are, in a world of lies and your heart's desire desires someone I could never be.

I ran back to the castle. The prat can carry his own shit. Feel a bit bad about the horses though.

I sobb against the balcony. I wish it was all a dream, it wouldn’t have to be this hard, i want to erase my memories of him. If i’m stuck here forever I don’t want his memories weighing me down. Is there a spell for that? Why can’t there be a spell to fix everything.

“Merlin.” I spin around.

“You followed me.” My voice is shaking. Did he seriously just leave his wife with a bunch of horses by a cliff to run after his manservant. Wow, the Arthur in this universe really is a crap husband.

“Yeah,” He looks around awkwardly, “you just ran away right there, it was pretty dramatic.”

“Oh…” I look across at the world stretched out ahead of me, it doesn’t look any different from yesterday. “I spoiled your romantic picnic then, i’m sorry.” I can’t help thinking about Gwen, she’s probably really confused. Aren’t we all?!

“I shouldn’t have dragged you along with me, I know, you’re still getting used to this.” 

He mumbles. It’s cute. I love him so much, whatever universe I always will. But I saw them together just a few moments ago. And they’re perfect.

“No i’m fine,” My tears deceive me, so I whip them away quickly, I know he say it though so I put on a smile so wide they could be mistaken for tears of joy.

I take a deep breath.

“I do love you, but I saw you then, and you looked happy, and that’s the only thing I care about, because when you're happy I am too, I couldn’t deal with you being sad all the time. All these years of putting up with you, that’s always that hardest. And I don’t know what the other Merlin is like of what he feels but I know my emotions. You mean more to me than anything I could possibly name, I know what love feels like, you think i’m an idiot, which is… true. But if she means even a small amount of what you mean to me, then be happy, please, Arthur go back, go to her and be happy.”

He doesn’t move, he doesn’t say anything. He just watches me cry.

“That’s meant to be the point where you go off and run away with the love of your life.” I add to my speech. I moments away from pushing him away before he grabs my wrist.

“You told me to go and be happy.” He says.

I don’t really remember everything that I said, it was a bit of rush, but yes, I did say that.

“...So i’m not going anywhere.” 

~oOo~

The other universe.

Arthur.

I knew he wasn’t my Merlin from the second we kissed. His kisses were shaky and messy like he had never kissed anyone before, but I didn’t stop because he never got to try it, he never got to know what it was like to be loved by me, so I let him. He probably still has to live in secret, poor thing. I wouldn’t want my life any other way, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else, so when I wrap my hands around his waist, I slip something my Merlin made me a couple years ago so we could go back to our favourite moments if we ever grew too old to kiss like this again.

~oOo~

Back in the other camelot.

Arthur.

He’s going cold again, I’m scared, I don’t want him to get hurt. But he deserves to go back to someone who can give him his whole heart. I wonder if my Merlin kissed the other Arthur, I wonder if he liked it.

He goes limp in my arms and I carry him bridal style back to my chambers and onto my bed. I sit beside him and wait, I don’t know how long it will take, but I can’t get over how cold he is so I decide to wrap a blanket around his shoulders. 

He wakes up and sits up instantly, like the fact he’s sitting on my bed is scaring him.

“Arthur!”

I smile sadly, “hello Merlin.”

“I had a weird dream.” He mumbles, gripping his forehead, “was I drinking last night?” He looks across at the window. “Why didn’t you wake me up?! It’s the middle of the day!”

I laugh, and he hits me.

“You’re a prat.”

“You love me really.” I say and he shuts up.

“You want to tell me about your dream?” I ask quietly.

He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter much now.”

“Was it a nightmare?”

He shakes his head again. “No, actually it was, kind of beautiful.”

“Like everything you’ve ever wanted?”

He looks surprised. 

“Yes,” he whispered, “like everything I could ever want.”

I can’t help myself now, I move my hand across his cheek and he flinches. I bring our lips together and I kiss him like it will never happen again. It probably never will. This is the only chance I'm ever going to get. I should’ve kissed him, that day in the woods, when his nose was red and his eyes were sparkly. So we’d booths fall in love.

He’s shaking as he kisses me back, still scared, I think. We shouldn’t be doing this now. But we are. And I can't bring myself to regret it like I regret everything else. 

I love him.

I think he loves me.

We keep going even when he’s crying too much to do it properly, so we’re just bumping lips in a messy sort of way, touching noses by accident, and Irun my hands over his body, as gently as I can.

There’s something in his back pocket. And when I touch it, it makes my hand go numb.

~oOo~  
Merlin.

His hands move away from me and the anxiety rises again. I don't want him to stop, I don't… I really don’t…

He takes something out of my jacket. I don’t know what, I've never seen it before, but it feels familiar, made of magic I think. A bit like my soul.

“What is this?” He asks softly. I like his voice when it’s soft.

“I don’t know.” I whisper.

It looks like a necklace, when he opens it a sheet of paper falls out and he reads it out loud.

“Dear me, make the right choice this time.”

I suddenly realised what it is, I’ve seen it in Gaius’ books, you need to be incredibly powerful to make one.

“It’s a time machine.” I whisper. 

He looks at me and smiles, it makes me feel so happy when he smiles.

“Fancy doing it all again?” he whispers into my hair.

We hold it between us, it feels cold against my already cold fingers.

The next time I kiss him, there's a spell on my lips.

~oOo~

The forest - back two years ago.

His nose is red, and his eyes are lit up by the sparks on the fire, he looks… beautiful, and I think if I say around too long I might get too addicted to him. 

So I leave.

But then I get this feeling, I don’t know what it is, but it pulls me towards him, like this is the right thing.

“Hey.” I whisper as I sit next to him. It’s so cold tonight, so I wrap my arm around him, his skin feels like ice.

“Hey.” He whispers back.

And then I do it, I lift his face up slightly and I kiss him, I don’t know if he’s ever kissed any one else before, but when he kisses me back, I just feel… right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you liked it pleeeeeaaaase I love to know your opinions, and tips too, thx

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked it pls comment or if you have constructive critisism or whatever.  
> writing tips valued.  
> merthur is awesome!  
> peace out!  
> xo lilian.


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